Current Contemplation: Social Media for "Children"

The Disney kids website from 2002-2006

Recently, I read a blog post advocating for banning their child from having a social media presence.  They talked about the dangers of managing to balance an online persona with a real life one.  The toxic environment of immediate gratification, self worth linked to the number of followers and likes on a post, and the dangers of what's out there on the Internet even if predators can't reach your child due to safety controls.  They also loosely, implicitly defined "child" as someone ranging in age from around 7 years old to 12 years old.  In short, the post seemed like it came from an involved, concerned parent who was actively taking an interest in vetting and processing the type of content that their child wanted to/was going to consume.

But with all their good intentions and arguments aside, one question still lingered at the forefront of my mind: is a blanket ban (with no smart phones - economic pressures notwithstanding - or internet and social media access) truly the best way to go about a child's introduction to the world of the Internet/social media?

This is one topic that is near and dear to my heart, despite not having children, because I am someone who a) is a believer in social media as a b) person who will one day (hopefully) be a creator of media for children.  So here's my two cents as someone who's thought about this issue:

For a start, my background with technology.  I am a "Millennial".  Or, more accurately, I am a part-time "Millennial" and a part-time "Generation Z-er" depending on which lists you consult.  I am the boarder year which separates the two.  As a result, you can see a mixed influence of life experiences (and goals and dreams) that both categories have throughout my life.

I don't quite remember dial-up, but I remember when cable television was still more interesting and important to me than the Internet.  Until I was twelve, I had only gone on a new fangled site called YouTube twice - to watch the "Numa Numa Guy" and the "Lord of the Rings: How it Should Have Ended" videos.  The only online site I thought there was was the disney.com website which had amusing games.  I played computer games and I had what felt like a very grown up email address, but the Internet seemed foreign.  I had to ask my parents for permission to go on, but I rarely asked because there was so much else to do.

I got a cell phone when I was ten, although there were extenuating circumstances as to why.  If things had progressed normally, my mother said that I would've received one at the age of fourteen, which is when most of my friends received their own phones.  My first phone was indeed a flip phone, and I remember how exciting it was that there was a camera on it.  I remember getting the first keyboard phone, then the first touchscreen/keyboard phone combo, before the switch to touchscreens was solidified when I was in high school.  I remember when the idea of going on the Internet on your mobile phone was absurdly expensive and the rise of apps and affordable mobile data became the norm.

When I was twelve, the rise of MySpace occurred.  And when I was thirteen, I remember the deeply important messaging system that was MSN messenger.  Shortly after that, the rest of social media followed - as to the major platforms, I got a Twitter when I was fourteen, I became a dedicated Facebooker by my freshman year of high school, I got an Instagram my junior year of high school, and a Snapchat my sophomore year of college (I was late to that Snap game).  And to be honest, almost every account I made was actually made by my mother before I even knew the website existed (my family has always been a techno-optimist type of family).

In short, I would characterise my upbringing with social media similar to the Harry Potter books.  I was alive before, during, and after the development of their continuing presence in culture and society.  I grew up along side their development, so when I was a kid there was nothing to "ban", because my age ran alongside the age of the Internet.

Now, I see so many of my friends, family, and strangers online that are all asking the same question: how do we introduce our kids to social media? I've seen a spectrum of answers to this too.  I know some people who allow their children to have unlimited screen time regardless of age and make a social media account for them before they're born.  I also know some people who still have flip phones, and their children know nothing of the Internet other than as it relates to school projects, and certainly don't have cell phones.

To me, I posit that, like most things in life, to take an extreme position doesn't prepare you or your child well for the "real world".  Here, I am considering the "real world" as that related to the fact that in our current age (and, assumingly, for the foreseeable future), the Internet (and social media) is a mainstay of everything from business to pleasure.  It has defined and shaped our culture, our jobs, our society, our technology, our politics, and everything in between.  To never expose your child to the Internet or social media means that you are not preparing them for how to navigate being a successful, media-literate adult in a competitive job market, ever changing society, and the modern world in general.

One of the main problems with the blog post was that their use of "child" was quite flexible.  Sure, all "preteens" are technically anyone "12 and under", but 7-12 year olds is a huge age range.  For instance, I remember getting paid to "babysit" a 7-year-old as a 12-year-old.  Humourous example aside, the developmental differences between the two cannot be underscored enough.  A 12-year-old is starting to question their identity outside of their family for the first time, they're thinking about teenagerdom, growing up, what it means to be "cool", seeking acceptance and approval from their peers, and are a raging sea of hormones.  A 7-year-old may also be seeking acceptance and approval from their peers, but it is still in a collective experience.  Their family (assuming a healthy dynamic is in play), is still their grounding source of comfort and familiarity.  "Play dates" are the norm rather than school dances in the gym.  Their confidence is built on external approval, but their internal feelings of self-worth are not questioned to the extent that a 12-year-old does.  Bullying is always, unfortunately, apparent, but the amount of stereotypical jokes increase exponentially by the time junior high roles around - and for good reason.  Bullying takes on a more vicious and personal attack during the tender ages of 11-14.  Thus, for a start, I would clearly define what I mean when I say "child".  To me, a "child" is in the age range of "7-10", while "preteen" would be "11-12" year olds.

For my definition of "child", I respect parents who don't want their children to have an online presence.  There is no need for a social media account, when focus should be more on imagination and play in a traditional, developmental sense.  However, I would also add that parents should be sure to take the initiative here and make sure that recreational activities, play dates, arts and crafts supplies, etc.should be provided in lieu of screen time.  This includes for yourself - if you don't want your child to be asking you why they can't have a phone, model the behaviour you want by not being on your phone 24/7 and being present in their lives.  Additionally, the lack of social media accounts or a limit on Internet access doesn't mean a blanket ban.  Children in this age range should be able to start learning about the Internet just like how they're introduced to learning their "Three Rs".

To me, an age-appropriate level of Internet exposure here would include things like using the Internet for school reports, for supplementary material to their general education (ie educational videos or as a follow-up to a trip to a museum, etc), art projects (photo collages are a lot of fun), and for limited online gaming (this would have a time limit attached, with vetted online gaming websites approved of, but I remember having a lot of fun playing online flash games as a kid, none the worse for wear).  It would also be a great time to introduce children to how to use the Internet in a smart, proactive way.  Teaching them proper research techniques and online etiquette would be great.  Don't be vague by saying there's "dangerous stuff out there", or worse yet, not giving a reason at all if your child doesn't understand why they aren't able to have crazy unlimited access.  It's perverse human nature to go against what we're told.  You can't monitor your child 24/7 (and you shouldn't).  Therefore, it's up to you to inform your child how to make intelligent, informed decisions when you're not there.  You don't have to be explicit and go into every danger on the Internet, but you can give them solid reasoning and age appropriate supplements for what social media "provides".  For example, that you want to make sure the content online is relevant to what they're looking for, since there's a lot of content requires adult help to wade through.  Listen to the reason your child wants to go online.  For instance, if your child wants an Instagram to share photos, ask them if instead they want to do a scrapbook project to show their friends at school.

I'm also not sold on the excuse not to give children of this age a cell phone.  I'm not saying go all out on a smart phone, but a standard flip phone that has access to a camera, calling, and texting isn't a bad idea so your child can communicate with you in an emergency.  You can also start building up good cell phone usage habits and communication etiquette early.  Everything is a learning opportunity, and your child will also feel the importance of being trusted with such a device.

As a "Preteen", I think it is acceptable to begin introducing your child to social media.  Time limits, friend requests, etc. may have to be monitored and implemented, but to completely deny them a part of learning how we communicate in the digital age is ridiculous.  It would be akin to never letting your child learn how to socialise at an age appropriate school dance or go to the cinemas with their friends.  And it's not like the previous building blocks would go away.  You would continue to allow more and more access to the Internet for a variety of reasons and topics related to school ("business") and social activity/gaming ("pleasure").  As long as you're taking an active role in equipping your preteen with sound decision making skills, you're doing your job.

That being said, if your child doesn't want a social media account or online presence, I wouldn't force the matter.  But in a world where peer pressure exists on and off screen to join the Internet, I doubt many parents will get away scot-free with the social media question.  Sure, to understand the complex realities and psychological/sociological impact of social media is tough.  It's hard enough to deal with school as an emerging adolescent, and I think the blog was right in saying that kids need a break and a chance to develop themselves offline away from the global lens/archive that the Internet provides.

However, that doesn't mean that a blanket ban makes sense either.  This is a conversation you and your preteen will eventually have to have.  Do it now when they're still going to you for permission and advice rather than a "post-exposure" talk when they did it behind your back anyways.  Checking out all the corners of a particular social network request that your preteen makes for traces of evil is a valiant goal.  However, it will also prove to be a fruitless one.  Every corner of the Internet will have some content on it you don't want your child to be exposed to - no matter how "kid friendly" it tries to be.  But that's no different than every day when your child goes to school, even if you vetted and toured the facilities years before your child ever attended.  We live in a broken world, and that will be manifested wherever you go.  You can be smart and proactive about facing these difficult realities, but a quest for a perfect "safe, happy" online place for your preteen is a fool's errand.

Your child's identity on and off line is important to help cultivate.  The Internet is forever, and accounts they make at twelve could be the same accounts their future employers look at.  This is not a hard concept to understand, and I think that we sell preteens short when studies say that they can't understand concepts like this because they're self-centered and impulsive and immature.  Yes, preteens are definitely all of these things.  But to treat them as if they have no ability to make decisions at all is a disservice to their personhood and to yourself as a parent.

In short, I believe a blanket ban on the Internet and social media doesn't help your child/preteen develop the skills they need to navigate a world where those things are an ever present reality.  A key part of parenting requires trusting your child/preteen, and instilling within them smart, decision making skills at an age-appropriate level.  Why should we decide this role only applies to their offline experience?