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I have officially decided to (for "realsies" this time) commit myself to creating and developing children's television.
For those of you that this comes as a shock for, and for those of you thinking "Jade didn't you say that four years ago?", then the below reasoning and story is for you:
The first career I ever remember wanting to be was a teacher. As time went on, that changed slightly to being a middle school teacher. I loved tutoring and helping my classmates, volunteering at events with kids at them, I was even a team leader at the annual Vacation Bible School at my church and a middle school church camp counselor for years. I wanted specifically to teach sixth graders as a math or history teacher, but I also would've been okay with any year in junior high. I wanted to do so because I loved that 11-14 year olds still have the optimism and imagination of children, while simultaneously starting to understand sarcasm, and beginning to think of themselves outside of their family unit.
Meanwhile, by the time I was fifteen my dreams had changed. I had officially decided to pursue film-making due to a combination of factors. And by my senior year of high school I had been accepted to Biola University, the Cinema and Media Arts department, and the Torrey Honours Institution. I was ready to begin my career in film-making just outside of Los Angeles itself.
Specifically, as my first two years taught me, as a first assistant director. My mentor Olivia took me under her wing my freshman year, and I spent the next three years working tirelessly towards my goal. I wanted to work for the BBC in London, and, seemingly, all that was left to do was to "seal the deal" by either starting my career in Los Angeles or work on getting into the guild in the UK.
Then, around two years ago, I had a change of heart, albeit in gradual stages. The first change was that I didn't want to work as an assistant director anymore. Perhaps to start out my career, but the hours on set were long, and the job exhausting. Not to mention that I didn't have as large of a say (creatively) in the type of content I was helping to make. I had had a taste of that type of creative power in co-writing and producing my senior thesis with Ike, and I found it better suited to my palette.
The second change was that I decided to narrow my focus to children's media. It seemed to align more with the type of inner conflict I had about media, my personal background, and overall skill sets. One of the biggest questions I had about going into film-making was if I was a part of the problem rather than the solution. Our screens and senses are over-saturated and over-stimulated with content. The damage to our psyches yet unknown, not to mention that anything I made would simply be white noise. How would I be able to even make a small dent in the vast ocean of great, mediocre, and terrible films, shows, programs, and videos that are produced every year? The obvious solution to me was children's media. There's a huge gap that needs to be filled for quality children's content. There's only a handful of shows that rotate for every demographic, not to mention that most of them are more about marketing than investing in and enriching the lives of their impressionable viewers. The things we watch as children and young adults leaves a lasting impression on us for the rest of our lives - it's important to do it right. No more worrying about having enough "influence" or "inspiration" required. Add to this my previous passion and gift for teaching, and this seemed like the harmonious balance I was looking for.
The third change, was probably the biggest: my love of David Bowie. Sure, part of it helped me understand that I wanted to go into children's media (thank you Jim Henson for the gift of Labyrinth), but a larger part of my obsession with Bowie reflected my own dwindling interest in going into film. So I decided to do an internship at a music management company rather than film. I started developing my musical palate with a type of zeal that my inner cinema connoisseur hadn't seen in years. It was this obsession that also had me feeling more adrift than ever, in some ways.
Now, I found that I wanted to be seen as an Artist rather than a filmmaker or assistant director or teacher or any other identifying noun I had clung to in the past. I also developed a larger love of the arts as what I learned in the film department dwindled and my interest in literature, music, and classical art grew. I found myself more interested in talking about the latest musical trivia I had learned rather than the state of Hollywood or the Oscars. (Although to be fair I haven't been super invested in the awards ceremony - or any of them - in at least five years).
And so began my move to New York that has been the work of this blog to reflect on and ponder and so on and so forth. A transition that was in part possible due to my dwindling interest in film-making, my uncertainty about what type of career I wanted, my love of Bowie, my worry over life post-graduation, and generally taking what a lot of people would call a "gap year" to sort myself out.
The past six months have been nothing but tearing me down. And that's a good thing. It reminds me of the type of serious, rigorous spiritual work I did four years ago, when I knew just enough to know I didn't know anything. A time when everything seemed a bit overwhelming and the future uncertain. I felt like I was waiting for the gift of sound and vision, with nothing to do, nothing to say in the meantime. I felt like a sponge that needed to soak up as much as possible to inform my emerging identity and decide who I wanted to be. At the end of that spiritual journey, I found myself with a better understanding of my spiritual failings, my identity in Christ, and my first interest in children's media.
Now, I feel like I've undergone that journey amplified again to the nth degree (trying to be a proper adult for the first time, isolated from friends and family will do that to you). And the past six months have felt like me once again re-learning the depths of my brokenness (in a good Jesus-y way), the beauty of Christ, and my identity rooted in Him. This was compounded on top of my journey as an artist to figure out what I want to invest in and where I want to go. Although I am open to spontaneity in my life and career, I still felt like I was lacking a larger goal to guide me through the curve balls life would be (and was) throwing at me.
Sure, I doubt this will be the last time something like this (questioning life, myself, and God - the small things) happens. However, I doubt it will be quite so all-consuming like it is now. When twenty-somethings want to be movers and shakers and change the world, it makes sense that we would be in the middle of our existential angst.
But now I feel like the next six months have been steps towards rebuilding my life. My passion for Bowie is still a silent flame (like Harry Potter) to be carried on forever, but the bright spark that it was in the beginning has started to diminish, like all my obsessions do over time. As a result, although I believe Bowie is excellent for soul searching, I don't think that he can directly guide me in the path of the type of content I want to create.
Instead, it was my mini-obsession of Gravity Falls that helped me remember my roots as an artist. I was so frustrated with wanting to create good content for adults, but feeling like a failure. Most of the things I wanted to talk about seemed to be better addressed elsewhere by artists more talented than myself (and who have lived a lot longer). I also felt like I was spiraling back into the problem of looking behind instead of looking ahead when it came to the future of any industry related to art, media, and entertainment. I wasn't excited about the future, and I wouldn't dream of meeting another artistic genius like Bowie in my lifetime.
But that simple kid's show reminded me of how great children's media can be. And how my lifelong interest in investing in children has withstood all of my crazy obsessions over the years. Indeed, looking back on my Netflix queue the only things I've watched recently are children's television shows or movies. I rarely watch something for "adults" in my free time without an external reason, but I'm always up for watching a good children and family piece. It felt wholesome and real in comparison to the darker side of adulthood.
This is not to say that childhood is a place solely filled with magic and wonder. There are many times that youth has a violent, darker, passionate side that occurs whether or not they have been exposed to suffering earlier than they should have (ie A Clockwork Orange, The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea, etc). Not to mention that just because a piece is for children doesn't mean that darker elements can't or shouldn't invade it (literally read any classic fairy-tale). But it does mean that the darker content can be balanced with the light-hearted. It's a place where good conquers evil, love is greater than anything in the universe, and redemption can be sought. To be bitter and sarcastic and cynical seems better to the world. Just look at our political and social climate today. But children's content knows that sincerity and vulnerability are what matters - that hope isn't a fairy-tale and that a better tomorrow can be fought for, not in vain. These are the types of stories I'm interested in sharing with the world. Children's media is where I feel my spiritual life thriving instead of dying.
But why, you say, does it have to be television then? Simply because kids today are interested in their screens more than anything else. It's the best medium to reach my target audience, and hopefully to also encourage them that there's more to life than just watching media - music and literature and other art forms are also worth participating in. Heck, art itself is worth valuing in a culture which has largely dismissed the humanities in favour of science and technology. (Pro Tip: It's not either/or, but a both/and investment!)
On a more practical level, children's media is also a good fit for me. It means that I can use my degree (it wasn't just a waste of money!), and hopefully be employed in a variety of positions to ultimately work my way up into the higher echelons of creating and developing children's content. It also means that I have a specific goal once again that can inform my decision making for the types of jobs I take and apply for rather than a frenzied free-for-all. (It's only good for so long to keep every single door open, and I'm at the age where a few doors need to be shut).
And finally, what does this mean for the immediate future Jade? Well it means that so far everything is plodding along quite nicely. I still don't have a specific career title in mind or a full-time job, but right now I'm working on gaining more administration experience (slowly but surely!) to be able to apply aggressively for administration assistant and executive assistant jobs that will further my ultimate goal of getting a foot in the door. And come this November I can officially put a year's worth of admin experience on my resume that I didn't get at university. So I can quit worrying so much every day about if I'm "doing the right thing" or "making any sort of progress" in my field.
I also don't have any firm plans in terms of what city I hope to live in, what company I want to work for, or what exact career path I plan on taking. I know that administrative experience is crucial to get that "behind the scenes" studio work, which is something I want to do. I also know that LA is the obvious choice for such a job (film and all that), but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, as I still enjoy living in New York. And similarly, although The Mouse is the obvious company choice, who knows what indie studio might also have something great worth investing in? All I know is that creating and developing children's media doesn't seem like a distant Perhaps. It also doesn't feel like a suffocating, inevitable path until death with a large helping of FOMO on top (like some of my other options have felt like). Instead, this feels Right. This feels like a prayerful revelation in response to my great prayer team that has continued to keep me in their thoughts. It's something I feel completely content and at ease with deciding, as much as any twenty-something can feel such a thing. I may not be Bowie, but I think I know where my art form and talents lie, and that's in developing/creating children's content.
A few months ago, I was talking with someone I met in a park who was trying to become a music producer. He told me that the biggest struggle isn't to get your number one success hit break through. The biggest struggle is actually to get that first, mediocre break through. The medium success story that shows that someone took a chance on you, and that you have your foot in the door. The rest will simply follow if you're a dedicated worker. And I tend to agree with this belief. Right now things are still pretty tough. I've interviewed for a few full-time positions, but none of them have chosen me yet. But I'll keep trying, and I'll keep applying. I agree with many quotes from famous artists and "successful" industry people that a key difference between them and another person trying to "make it" is that they never gave up. They kept persevering and learning after rejection after rejection, and I hope to emulate that as well. Bowie was a top proponent of failure and making mistakes as an artist. I can only hope to be as courageous and fearless as I follow in his footsteps.
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