Current Contemplations: Waiting for the Gift of Sound and Vision

Don't you wonder sometimes
'Bout sound and vision

Blue, blue, electric blue
That's the color of my room where I will live
Blue, blue

Pale blinds, drawn all day
Nothing to be, nothing to say
Blue, blue

I will sit right down
Waiting for the gift of sound and vision

And I will sing
Waiting for the gift of sound and vision

Drifting into my solitude
Over my head
Don't you wonder sometimes
'Bout sound and vision

Today I went into an interview for a host position at a restaurant in SoHo. The decor was fashionable, the menu trendy, and the waitstaff appropriately attractive.  I had applied for the position online, and was emailed about an "open call" that took place today.  Immediately I went to go and sniff it out.  The worst thing I would lose today was an hour out of my day, and I had opted not to go to an open call yesterday.  And although I felt like I interviewed poorly, apparently God was with me since they told me to come back for orientation on Wednesday.

Immediately I was elated - to quote "Star", "I could do with the money/I'm so wiped out with things as they are".  Without a set career, clear purpose, or a general source of income I definitely needed a "pick me up" so to speak.  I didn't realise how difficult it would be to make friends as an adult outside of a set environment like school, church, or (of course) a job.  So from a community standpoint (as well as a monetary one), this is an excellent opportunity.  Plus it is located in my favourite neighbourhood in Manhattan.

However, once I started thinking about my new job from a career perspective, I felt an immediate drop in my mood.  Was I moving backwards? I left Los Angeles to seek a job in my field (Art, ostensibly).  Not to mention that although overall I loved my co-workers at Disney, the job itself gave me a mental and emotional breakdown every few months (seriously).  I began to have every artist's slippery slope - what if my "part-time" job becomes "full-time" and I never work in what I'm passionate about? What if this is me compromising on my dreams for the future? What if I never achieve what I want to do? Hell - what do I even want to do?

As I felt my mood sour, I began to think back on my conversation with Ike last night.  I talked with him about feeling a lack of vision in my life.  I know (and love) how to research, how to take steps to realise an idea, how to generally offer my own support a collaboration to a piece.  But I don't particularly have my own artistic "visions" in the same way.  I find it much easier (and more enjoyable) to build on a pre-existing idea.  And without Ike (or another favourite collaborator) on hand, I find myself adrift.  I don't know exactly what I want to do other than "work in the arts" and "not be living paycheque to paycheque".  In Bowie's words, "I'm waiting for the gift of sound and vision".

Part of this problem I actually already attempted to solve by going to New York.  I wanted to see what type of affect the city would have on my art (and so far it's been fabulous for my writing - I've had hundreds of ideas come up and scribbled down in my notebook).  However, at the same time, I've had problems finishing anything I've started.  That anyone ever creates a song, nevertheless a movie or a book is remarkable in and of itself.  I have about a dozen Bowie essays started, but that remain unfinished.  I'm currently in the middle of three different books.  I'm beginning to catch up on all the Netflix I didn't watch in college.  In short, I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly.  I have a bunch of ideas, but no one to work with.  I know I want to work in the arts, but I don't know which one to pursue.  I've officially decided on "children's media and programming", but I'm still open to a lot of different things.

Maybe, above all, the fear I hold is that I'm, to use Jim Moriarty's word, ordinary.  Maybe I am not "chosen" or "destined" to make something Great.  Perhaps I am not "talented" or "determined" enough to be an earthly Success.  Of course, this line of thinking is incorrect (both in the way it views predetermination/free will and in the fact that it gives me too much agency in general - it really isn't "all about me" [and thank God it isn't, because it's all about Christ which is honestly 1000x better]).

A while ago I posted the wise words of Dr. Wright regarding our desires - to assume that we know our own hearts better than God is a mistake.  The Creator knows His creation better than itself.  Period.  And this is still true.  I love the wording of Bowie's lyrics for "Sound and Vision" in pairing the term with "gift".  It assumes that "sound and vision" (a lovely euphemism I take to mean the inspiration and purpose to a creation [the vision] as well as the "nitty gritty" aspects of the craft [the sound]) are not something that is done purely by an individual.  It is something that is "given" through a mix of God, time, collaborating with others, etc. etc.  Moreover, the idea of "waiting" is not idle.  Sure, the lyrics state that the speaker is in his room all day with "nothing to do", which at first appears lazy.  However, it's soon revealed that as he waits, he "sings".  Waiting does not imply idleness, but a type of disciplined patience.  And unfortunately, I have never been particularly patient.

Therefore, what this indicates to me that I should be constructive while I wait (faith and works and all that).  A job at a restaurant where I can pour into others and invest in that community (while making minimum wage) isn't a bad place to be.  Especially since part of the reason I moved to New York, as previously stated, was to get more inspiration for my art (through gaining more life experience and meeting new people - I'm only twenty-two years old, after all).

However, I am still worried that this isn't the best experience I could have or use.  I feel like I should be focusing on making more art to have a backlog when I go to whatever media job interview I hope to have.  As one of my favourite articles regarding Bowie put it:

And all the failures and the frustrations gave him the impetus and time to explore back streets and alleyways pop artists don't usually go down. Allowed Bowie to develop something fully worked out. By the time he finally got a platform he knew exactly what he wanted to say and exactly how he wanted to say it. He was like a lottery winner who'd spent every day of the previous decade planning how he'd spend the loot if he were ever to get his hands on it. [x]

At the very least, I think that I should be going into a type of commercial avenue for my field.  Even Bowie worked in advertising at the beginning of his career (even if it only lasted a few months).  Perhaps I should've given more thought to being a personal assistant or another entry-level position in my industry.  This isn't to say that I can't still apply for these jobs, but every time I think about it I feel filled with a different kind of dread.  The kind that says I'm still waiting for my sound and vision and I don't want to be stuck as an assistant.  And the cycle repeats itself here too (it's these sort of troublesome, cyclical thought problems that make being a lonely artist so problematic).

Not to mention my absolutely contrary self that has lamented for the past three weeks about being out of work, starts to bemoan going back to work as soon as I find a stable source of income.  Which then, naturally, the rather irrational fear of "having no free time" has begun to consume me.  It gnaws at the back of my brain, shouting rather loudly at me that by working full-time I'll only have room for my art part-time.  Yet this is absurd.  If you care about something, you find time for it.  Although I disregard most "motivational Facebook posts", this one has stuck with me over the years:

"Instead of saying "I don't have time" try saying "it's not a priority," and see how that feels. Often, that's a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don't want to. But other things are harder. Try it: .... "I don't go to the doctor because my health is not a priority." If these phrases don't sit well, that's the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don't like how we're spending an hour, we can choose differently". -Laura Vanderkam

Indeed, by not having a job I have had a surplus of time to work on my art and to apply to media jobs.  However, I don't feel like I am doing quality, ground-breaking work every day (it's often more of a practice of discipline), and on top of that I only have enough on my own to work on for a few hours before I'm done.  So an abundance (or lack) of time, although helpful, is not the sole factor in determining what type and quality of art one will make.

Yet despite all these rational assertions, I can't help but feel anxious ("it ain't easy" being an artist and a recovering perfectionist/workaholic).  Therefore, I have made a pact with myself.  I will only keep this job at the maximum of one year.  If by the end of the year I have not been able to find a job related to my field, or to have a solid vision and finished piece of artistic work then I will quit and seriously pursue only a career in the arts for the next few months.  As Bowie put it:

“…once upon a time you really moved into rock because the whole idea of it was exciting, there were girls, there was, you know, a lot of fun times, and you could make some statements about something or other - and you'd think of something or other to make a statement about.”

Most of all I feel like this is a satisfactory compromise for all the facets of myself (after all, a year really isn't that long).  Now all that's left to do is wait and see what God has in store for me.  Because although I have made a fairly tidy timeline for myself, I often find that His timeline looks nothing like mine (even though it's always better).

Bonus: Here's a playlist I made on Spotify rounding up some key Bowie songs about isolation and doubt.