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| The sky in SoHo was so beautiful tonight - it reminded me of an Agnes Martin painting. I wish I could've captured it to the fullest effect on camera |
Today felt like a microcosm of this past month. My mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health have been all over the board for the past two weeks, and in the past twenty-four hours I have felt: happy, morose, optimistic, pessimistic, cheerful, cynical, anxious, peaceful, bitter, grateful, pensive, frustrated, nostalgic, despair, and hope. Just listing some of my emotions today has made my mind go in a tizzy.
It's been a hard month, to say the least. I've been physically sick since early October, and recovering and relapsing in turn between feeling truly sick and just possessing a cough (that has remained constant). I've been homesick for both Oregon and California (I was extremely disappointed that I couldn't attend a free friend's wedding this past weekend). I've been spiritually recuperating since I came to New York (with an ultimately positive direction, even in the day-to-day is a bit painful and occasionally hopeless). Mentally I continue to waver between elation and depression about everything since coming out here regarding everything from my personal life to my professional life. I feel dispassionate and disappointed in my lack of writing talent, and disheartened about the fact I don't have a job in my field or a significant other to share this journey with. I also feel excited for where I'm going next and for what the future holds regarding both my career and dating life. I feel comprised and composed of so many contradictions I'm not sure what to do.
To make matters worse, I don't feel equipped to discuss any of this with anyone (just yet), since I'm still internally processing and dissecting this complicated array of thoughts and feelings.
The only two things I know in the meantime is that 1) God means that there is ALWAYS room to hope and to trust in Him 2) Bowie is a pretty damn good source to listen to when you're feeling any and all of the above emotions/states of mind
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