I was never a great "film major" either before, during, or, indeed, after college.
Before college I didn't stay up late watching movies, procrastinate homework by watching endless cinema, mess around with video production in high school (the closest I got was being the yearbook editor-in-chief), or even really make fun short films with my friends. At best, all I could really say was that I spent hundreds of hours during the summer of 2005 watching the behind the scenes features of Lord of the Rings (extended edition) and endlessly re-watching Benedict Cumberbatch jump off a rooftop (God bless Sherlock). Other than that, most of my time was taken up by reading, writing, and watching YouTube videos.
During college I enjoyed making student films with my friends more for the company than anything else. I found I had a passion (somewhat) for movie making - I certainly enjoyed all the laughs I had on film sets and the wonderful disaster that is student film-making. At the very least I had a great time watching and learning about high art cinema. And for a while I thought I was going to become an assistant director in the industry. I devoted almost three years of my undergrad education to learning all the tips and tricks for how to be the best 1st AD in the industry. However, by my junior year I realised that I wasn't completely happy in film. Sure, it was (and is) the dominant way we tell stories today, but other than that I really didn't have a passion for it like my other friends. Or at the very least, my passion certainly didn't manifest itself in the same way - being excited about the "latest gear" (some of my friends know absolutely everything there is to know about cameras), the "latest release" (in Europe, you say? No, I've never heard of it), and the "latest news" (I get it - there's yet another article about inequality in the industry). The closest I've ever come is to be excited about online and educational content.
Suffice it to say, in my junior year my interests began to wander outside of the film industry. And, unsurprisingly, my thoughts turned to the music industry at the same time my passionate love affair with all things David Bowie began. Although I had been obsessed with The Beatles about five years prior, it was Bowie who taught me the art form that is music. Initially, I wasn't a huge fan of his work. The only song I knew by him was "Under Pressure", and I thought it was a huge career boost for him to be collaborating with Queen. However, after a few weeks I quickly realised that he was a musical genius who led the kind of life I wanted to lead. One where you meet with interesting people, make meaningful art, and collaborate with friends. I wanted to make a difference and lead a life just like him (minus the cocaine addiction and crazy ex).
Additionally, thanks to the honours programme, I continued to read more than I ever watched. The hours I spent reading stories, essays, and articles far out passed the time I spent watching movies or television shows (and it still does). The only thing that would give my reading a run for its money would be the YouTube shows I watch, and even then I still collectively spend more time reading than I do anything else. I quickly realised I felt more like an "All the Arts!" student rather than a "Film" student.
So by the time my senior year came around, I combined this epiphany with the realisation that the reason I wanted to go into film had stayed consistent. I had just become more flexible with how I would achieve my goal. Simply put, I wanted to go into film-making to "help people". I remembered how much I clung to stories as a means of escape when I was going through hard times during my childhood. I used film to comfort me when I didn't have anyone else to go to and to allow me to escape from my problems (if only for a little bit). And I knew that I wasn't the only person to do this little bit of harmless escapism.
However, after becoming (a little less) green (and a lot more into Bowie), I realised that although film "helps people", it is not the only medium to do so. Art (as in music, painting, film, literature, theatre, etc.) as a whole can do exactly what film does, and in fact it can do more than simply help people escape. Art can be a spiritually transformative experience which guides people to contemplate the Divine and draw closer to God.
Since I didn't feel constrained to "one art form", I decided to move away from LA (which is where many aspiring filmmakers feel "trapped" into living since most of the industry jobs are located). I wanted to try and challenge myself personally and professionally so I decided to look elsewhere. Immediately I wanted to go to London, but without a green card or a student visa it would be difficult to live abroad so quickly. Therefore, my attention quickly wandered over to the place that Bowie called home: New York City. Much easier to live in, still far away, and overall still gave me everything I was looking for. I would be able to have more exposure to a bunch of different art (all within walking distance!) and industries, I would be able to see if I wanted to stay in film, and I would be able to see what Bowie himself saw in his favourite place.
So after the move to the Big Apple, the trend of being a "bad film graduate" remained fairly consistent. My thoughts turned more to writing over filmmaking or music production. I was tired of not knowing what I wanted to do, and without a lot of networking, I wasn't able to create any "big time" projects. I also learned the trick from Bowie that when you get "tired" or "stuck" in your own art form, you should turn to another to help work out whatever problem you're having.
However, since then I've also been taking "temp gigs" to fill my time (as I've previously written about). So far it's been a great way for me to get an inside look at different companies and meet more people in a lot of different industries. You may have to be the perpetual "new kid on the block", but you get to have more exposure than on your own. You also get all the benefits of the paycheque without all of the responsibilities of the job. In short, it's been a great experience as I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do.
And from here, I've also realised that although I want to work in the entertainment/media industry as a whole, the way I would be working in it can be something I haven't even imagined yet. I still want to "make a difference" in the lives of others, but I've realised that there's a way to do that which isn't limited to the creation of art. I can have an impact on the people I work with and encounter every day (it's the "Small Things"). And movies don't "Save People" like how I used to think they did (at best Art can help other contemplate and be more open to the Divine, at worst it's a gimicky, vapid hodgepodge of materials composed for material/earthly gain). In fact, creating "meaningful" art is an incredibly complex process which I realised I don't have the capacity to create like how I admire (and at times envy) in others. Instead, I am better at facilitating the process and offering input rather than an outright creation of something new - and I enjoy that (a lot).
For now, I've stubbornly committed to the title of "producer" who wants to work in "children's television", but since working at Sony/ATV for the past two days, I realised yet again that whether or not I firmly want to work in "film" is up in the air. I thought the matter was settled a few weeks ago, but I keep finding myself falling into music-related things while out here in New York (there must be something in the air). And to be honest, I like working in the music industry as a "suit". Sure, it's not the "cutting edge innovation" that I love from Bowie, but to be a part of the same industry he was makes me pretty happy. The security of a "9-5" that includes weekends and holidays off is also pretty appealing (thank you part-time, minimum wage high school and college jobs). Not to mention that I've come to terms with the fact that unless I meet an individual I want to collaborate with (for the long-haul) like a Bowie-Visconti partnership, I probably won't want to do (or, indeed, actually become a part of). Instead, I would be pretty content writing and creating on the side while being a part of a business that furthers the careers of young artists would be pretty rad. At least for now.
There's still a fundamental part of me that wants to create and has a deep passion for art. But understanding that I can have that, while also working in a variety of industries in a myriad of ways, is something that's a bit new for me.
So in short, I'm still not a "good film major". I never really got into movies, and I don't even know if I will still work in my undergraduate field. But although the film programme I joined was only mediocre for getting a realistic "start" in my industry (I topped out of the production track by the time I was a sophomore), and I wasn't sure I even wanted to go into film by the end of it, I will say that the major was excellent (along with Torrey and Bowie) for shaping my character and identity as a young artist (and businesswoman). It not only helped me understand more about who I wanted to be, but also the type of workplace I wanted to work in. And who knows where that will ultimately lead. Right now, I'm banking on Art.
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